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Domestic violence survivor now an advocate for abused
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By Jessica Heffner,
Staff Writer
9:21 PM Sunday, January 3, 2010
FAIRFIELD — Her face in the mirror was unrecognizable. One eye was swollen shut and purple, bulging out of its socket. Her cheek blazed red. Even if she could force a smile through her bloody, swollen lip, she wouldn’t want to see the five loose teeth that could fall out.
But Etta Caver had to look at her face. In fact, she had her son snap a photo of it so she could always remember.
It was the last day she was ever going to be hit.
After suffering more than 18 years of physical abuse at the hands of men she loved and trusted, Caver decided to save herself. Since that day in the 1980s, she has used the experience to help others do the same.
An employee at AK Steel for more than 20 years, in 2001 she left her job to pursue higher education, earning her bachelor’s and master’s degrees in social work. Caver, of Fairfield, now works for the Butler County Sheriff’s Office offering domestic violence victim assistance at area courts and teaching victims’ awareness classes.
“There are a lot of people who don’t understand the dynamics of domestic violence. They don’t understand why you just don’t leave,” she said. “But that is the most dangerous time for a victim. They’re so vulnerable.”
Friend and past co-worker Joanne Love of Middletown said Caver was always a good person but “she just picked the wrong men and I think she got really tired because we would keep saying ‘why don’t you leave him?’”
Now, she is someone who stands up for herself and others.
“She has gotten me through a lot. I couldn’t ask for a better friend and she is more of a sister really,” Love said.
Abusive relationships followed tragedy
Caver, the oldest of four children in a single parent household, was 15 years old when her mother was murdered in Dayton. The violent event would shape her life and fill her with questions.
“She was a healthy, young 33-year old, so vibrant, and to have her murdered that night, it was devastating. It turned our lives upside down,” she said.
Caver entered into her first abusive relationship that same year and married him when she was 19. Caver convinced herself she was to blame.
“I kept thinking it was my fault and I needed to do better,” she said. “It was one of the reasons I got married, to prove I could do better and be a good wife and good mother.”
Eventually she got a divorce, but the abuse didn’t stop.
“The first man I started dating was violent and I felt like I jumped from the frying pan into the fire,” Caver said.
Co-workers watched in silent horror as Caver continued to come into her job at AK Steel with black eyes and busted lips. Caver’s sister, Kimberly Caver, admitted that for years she never knew because she was living far away and her sister wouldn’t talk about it.
“She kept it hidden. I couldn’t tell what was going on,” she said.
A photo to tell the story
But in 1985, after her boyfriend beat her so severely that she was afraid she was going to lose several teeth and maybe her eye, Caver knew if she wanted to live she had to get away.
“When I was at the hospital one of the (workers) asked me if the guy that brought me in did this to me and I said ‘yes,’” Caver said. “She told me ‘we will help you if you will let us.’”
An unmarked police car followed the boyfriend home and arrested him as soon as he set foot on the porch. At home by herself, Caver stared at the wreck of her face and decided to press charges. She had her son, Erich Reid, take a photo of her face so she would always remember.
She still has the photo, tucked in a binder with pamphlets and information she uses as a victim’s advocate. She uses the photo to help tell her story at schools, churches and other events for prevention programs operated by Citizens Against Domestic Violence.
Caver recently received a Steel Magnolia Award, funded by the AK Steel Foundation and presented by the Middletown Community Foundation, for women who have faced personal adversity and overcome it. To Shelly Wallpe, who nominated Caver for the award, nothing describes her better.
“Etta is inspiring on so many levels,” Wallpe wrote in her nomination. “She is rich in faith, compassion, knowledge and life experience. She gained her voice and now speaks for others until they are strong enough to advocate for themselves.”
Saved to help others
Her work through the church — as Caver has become an ordained minister and assists at God’s Paradigm Christian Center — and through the advocacy programs has transformed her, said friend Joanne Love.
“It is a complete change. The abuse, I guess that is all she knew. But when she joined the church her whole life changed and now she can give the best of advice to people because she has gone through it herself,” Love said.
Caroline Hickman, a friend and pastor, said she believes Caver was saved by God to do this work of helping others.
“Because of her experience she is able to help someone else. I think God blessed her to come out of those things so she can bless others and empower them to do the same,” Hickman said.
Knowing what she does now, her sister Kimberly said she cannot imagine the strength it takes to admit what happened and share it with others.
“She is a miracle and she makes sure other people have miracles in their lives,” she said. “She is helping so many people get through their own abusive situation and you can see her making a difference.”
To grandson Jahjuan Reid, 13, Caver is an angel.
“She can take the dust off the floor and make it into something. She can turn your frown upside down and I am proud of her,” he said.
Caver said she has grown to be proud of herself and her family and what they have accomplished.
“Years ago we had a lot of hard times but I am glad we were able to turn those situations around and be better people and do things to help others be better people,” Caver said.
Contact this reporter at (513) 705-2843 or jheffner@coxohio.com.
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2:42 PM, 1/4/2010
2:36 PM, 1/4/2010
Reverend Caver's story/testimony should be an inspiration to all women and men who are being abused, to trust in the Lord and court authorities to bring them out of their adversities with an assurance that with God and the law " Deliverance, Justice and Healing is possible." May God continue to use Etta to help other victims of physical or emotional abuse say, "NO" to any form of violence!
11:25 AM, 1/4/2010
10:51 AM, 1/4/2010
10:12 AM, 1/4/2010