I receive many questions from parents about how to help their kids behave more appropriately, feel positively about themselves, and make better choices. These words reflect what parents feel is important in raising their children. These attributes certainly do matter, but they do not capture what research has indicated to be the single most important skill children must learn in order to become successful adults — self-control.

Recent research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences by Avshalom Caspi and his colleagues analyzed data on 1,000 children in New Zealand from 1972-73. These children were evaluated when they were 3 years old and then again when they were 32.

Children at age 3 years who had the most self-control went on to become adults who were healthier, earned more money and were more successful than the group with less self-control. The group of toddlers with less impulse control was more likely as adults to drop out of school, become pregnant, have drug problems and exhibit significant health concerns such as obesity or high blood pressure.

These finds are similar to the famous “Marshmallow Study” by Stanford researcher Michael Mischel. He left 4-year-olds alone in a room with one marshmallow. He promised them two marshmallows if they could wait about 15 minutes while he left them and did an errand. The children who exhibited self-control at age 4 became adults who were better educated, more successful and had fewer mental health problems than the kids who were unable to delay gratification.

What exactly is self-control? It is the opposite of a poster that was popular when I was in college — “Delayed Gratification is No Gratification.” It is the ability and willingness to postpone what you want now in anticipation of something better in the future.

This is not a genetically determined trait but rather a learned skill acquired throughout childhood. Here are three things you can do to enhance that ability in your children.

Use the words “self-control.” Stop talking about the importance of kids’ feelings or doing what is comfortable. Help them understand that being successful sometimes involves not doing what feels right at the moment.

Describe choices as examples of good or bad self-control. For example, if your toddler hits another child, don’t tell him he made a bad choice. Tell him you were disappointed that he couldn’t control himself. The difference may seem subtle, but it communicates the important message that kids can and should control their emotions.

Teach guided imagery. The key to self-control is the ability to anticipate the good consequences of delayed gratification. Help children put this into words. With a youngster in my office with a weight problem, I had her describe in specific detail how she will feel and what she will look like when she loses a few pounds.

Don’t over-control. You can’t teach self-control if you are an overprotective parent. You’ve got to give your children the opportunity to make mistakes and feel badly about what they did.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

Next week: Questions from readers