The first holiday season was a blur, the second was heart wrenching. And Springboro mom Serese Marotta doesn’t know what to expect during this, the third Christmas season since her son died.

“His death was traumatic and very unexpected and when you suffer a traumatic loss, I think you are in a fog for so long,” Marotta said. “I couldn’t even tell you what we did that first Christmas. The second one was definitely harder because that’s when reality set in. He was really gone.”

Marotta’s son, Joseph, died of H1N1 in October 2009. He was 5 years old. Just one day before he died, Marotta and her husband were talking about taking Joseph home from the hospital. He took a sudden and unexpected turn for the worse and eight hours later, he died.

“It happened so fast,” she said.

Grief is an integral part of the holiday season for many people. According to the Harvard Medical School Family Health Guide, if you are over the age of 40, there is a 1-in-3 chance that a close relative or friend of yours has died in the last year. And an estimated 1 million Americans lose a spouse each year.

Zone Camp, the nation’s largest nonprofit provider of childhood bereavement camps, estimates that more than one in seven Americans will lose a parent or sibling before they turn 20.

Once the shock and numbness wear off, the bereaved must find a way to get on with their lives — no small feat during a time of year when the songs and holiday cards tout messages of joy and happiness.

“Some of our families celebrate the fact that they made it through the holidays,” said Vicki Braun, executive director of Oak Tree Corner.

The nonprofit organization, which provides a caring community for Miami Valley children and teens to share the death of a loved one, sees twice as many families during the holiday season as any other time of the year.

A new normal

“A common misconception about grief is that it’s a linear process,” Marotta said. “It’s actually more of a roller coaster. Every holiday has been a difficult milestone to go through. What we’re trying to do now is find a new normal.”

Finding something resembling normalcy is neither quick nor painless.

This will mark Pam Heikes first Christmas without her husband of 14 years. He died in January after developing a blood clot, leaving her and their 12-year-old son, Hunter.

“This whole year has been firsts — first birthday, first anniversary, first Thanksgiving without him,” Heikes said. “Being around family and close friends has helped, but it’s still hard.”

Dealing with grief during the holidays can be especially challenging with more social functions to attend and traditions to uphold. Braun suggests devising a plan to help make the holidays more manageable.

“If there are children in the family, you can’t not do Christmas,” Braun said. “Children come in here and consistently expressing fear that they won’t have Christmas.”

Some choose a geographic cure by traveling to a location with no painful family memories — think Christmas at Disney World or the Bahamas. Others turn to their faith and rely heavily on their church community for support.

As part of the plan, people need to consider things like who will be most supportive and who will be most difficult to be with over the holidays, and what traditions should be kept and which ones can be discarded.

Braun suggests lowering your holiday expectations to accommodate your grief needs.

Support system

Franklin mom Mary Cooper can’t give her youngest sons what they want most for Christmas.

“I’ve heard them say, ‘I just want my dad back,’ and I just feel helpless,” she said.

“I do little things with them that they used to do with their dad, but I know it’s not the same.”

Whether it’s the loss of a child, a spouse or a parent, helping someone cope with loss can be as simple as saying a few words.

“I am so appreciative when someone has the courage to look past their discomfort to say something — anything — to me about Joseph,” Marotta said.

“Someone sent me a Facebook message that said ‘Thinking of Joseph today’ and I can’t tell you how much that meant.”

Saying the person’s name is important to those who were close to them.

“I’m not going to break or fall apart,” Heikes said. “But people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing.”

Heikes plans to ask her husband’s friends to write letters about him. She wants to give those letters to her son so he can learn more about his dad.

Cooper’s children find comfort in talking about their dad and sharing family memories.

“He is gone, but he is still alive in our hearts,” she said.

Including a fond memory or a funny story in an e-mail or Christmas card is a thoughtful way to let families know that their loved one is not forgotten.

Some may choose to donate a gift to a local nonprofit organization in the deceased’s honor.

But, better yet, just say their name.

“People seem afraid to say Joseph’s name,” Marotta said.

“So, when someone reaches out and lets us know that he is remembered, it means so much. Even if we cry, it’s OK.”