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Expert offers advice for empty nesters

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By Meredith Moss, Staff Writer Updated 4:42 PM Friday, May 13, 2011

My child’s high school graduation is such an exciting and wonderful time, so why am I feeling so ambivalent about it?

Because you’re normal, says author Madge Lawrence Treeger. A psychotherapist in private practice and a counselor at Washington University in St. Louis, she’s been working with families for decades.

With Karen Levin Coburn, Treeger has written a classic: “Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years” (Harper, $14.99).

Their advice obviously strikes a chord with families — the book is in its fifth edition with dog-eared copies being passed along from friend to friend as they face the traumatic life passage.

“On one hand,” Treeger says, “you’re excited for your child and all the new opportunities. On the other hand, you’re anxious — will they be able to make it, will they do well? And if they’re going into the military, there’s added anxiety.”

She says the teenagers are ambivalent also, fluctuating between “I can’t wait to get out of here,” and “I’m terrified, will I be OK on my own?”

Whether your child is going away to school or to the service, Treeger says it’s a pivotal time in the life of a family, though often not marked as one.

“There’s graduation day, of course, but the whole period before the graduation and the summer before they leave is a huge change in the life of a family and often not recognized as such.”

A lot of people, she says, have a very strong emotional reaction to this transitional period.

“It may be different for single parents, or if the child is the first to go, or the last to go, or if she or he is an only child.”

The first step parents need to take, advises Treeger, is to recognize the shift that’s about to occur in their parent/child relationship. Though, hopefully, the adjustment has been happening gradually, now the time has really come for your son or daughter to be entering the grown-up world.

Parents, especially those used to knowing where their children are every minute of every day, will have some changing to do.

While a cell phone might have been useful when they’re making family arrangements, for example, the same need isn’t going to be there going forward.

“But people have habits, so sometimes parents — and children — may continue their old behaviors like checking in all the time,” says Treeger. “But now you need to think about why you’re calling your child and why your child is calling you.”

Treeger likes to use the metaphor of toddlerhood when discussing how to be the parent of a emerging adult.

“Think of yourself as being an anchor, sitting on the park bench while your toddler is exploring in a playground,” she says. “Some parents — the helicopter parents — hover and are very intrusive and they do it out of their own anxiety. They don’t want their kids to fail or fall or hit the ground.

“Others read the newspaper and ignore their kids.”

But the ideal parent, she adds, is there to kiss the boo-boo when the child falls, or respond with interest and enthusiasm and curiosity when the child does something he or she is proud of or excited about.

Treeger offers this additional advice to parents:

Mark this important transition in some ritualized way. Have a festive dinner or party. Take a family trip together. Write a letter to your child expressing your wishes for them. Make a scrapbook. Visit old haunts.

Begin to be more of a coach than a problem-solver. Encourage them to find the resources they need to solve their own dilemma rather than giving them a quick answer or solving it for them.

Expect experimentation. It can be scary for parents as children venture outside of the family, but try to listen as your son or daughter begins to test new ideas, or dress, or religions. It’s important to respect their exploration and keep conversations open.

The bottom line? Give your child space to grow.

“Try to help your son or daughter become what they want to be,” says Treeger. “They’ll need to become more self-reliant and stand on their own two feet. You’re not always going to be there.”

Contact this reporter at (937) 225-2440 or MMoss@coxohio.com.

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