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Couple’s baggage keeps multiplying

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By Cheryl Lavin, Contributing Writer 10:23 PM Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Nobody comes to a relationship with a clean slate. We’re all products of our past relationships, those of our parents and our grandparents, etc.

Take Courtney and Tommy for example.

Tommy’s mother, Crystal, was married to Tommy’s father, John. When John walked out, she married John’s brother, Wally. She divorced Wally and married Chris, who adopted Tommy. Chris died, and Crystal remarried Wally, Tommy’s uncle. They’re still legally married, but don’t live together.

Courtney’s family is a whole different thing. Her parents have been married for almost 30 years and both sets of grandparents were married over 50 years.

“I’ve always had strong marital values,” says Courtney.

“Having a long-lasting, loving marriage was very important to me.” Courtney is 26 and had a baby when she was 20. She’s been working at a grocery store for seven years.

Tommy is 27. He got married in 2003, right out of high school to Tiffany. Their daughter was born in 2005. They separated in 2006.

Courtney says Tiffany isn’t “the brightest bulb. She gave Tommy their daughter during their divorce and when he refused to let her see the girl, she didn’t fight it.

Now she has two boys. One lives with her aunt and uncle, and the other lives with her. She doesn’t keep a job for very long. She also doesn’t pay child support for her kids who don’t live with her.”

Tommy told Courtney that Tiffany wanted an open marriage. When he said no, she ran off with another man. But one of Tiffany’s friends told Courtney that Tommy was verbally abusive.

Courtney and Tommy met through Tommy’s mother, Crystal. Courtney and Crystal worked together at the grocery store. Tommy had only been separated from Tiffany for a few months when Crystal “kind of pushed him to come in and ask me out.”

Courtney says the relationship was “a rollercoaster of good and bad.” The good was their son. The bad was Tommy’s arrest for domestic violence in 2009.

“We split because of that. We tried to fix things while we lived apart.” That didn’t work. They’re getting divorced, and Tommy has a new girlfriend. Courtney says she’s seen her picture on Facebook, and “she looks so much like Tiffany they could be related.”

Courtney is determined to learn from her mistakes. She’s made that her New Year’s resolution.

“So far, my friends are very impressed how I’ve grown as a person. It takes a big person to admit their own shortcomings.”

And she’s learning to express her emotions. “I hold everything in, but I’ve been learning to lean on my friends and get things out, even if it’s just to vent. So far things have been going very well with that.

“I’ve also taken up painting as an outlet for my mixed emotions. And I read a lot. Losing myself in books helps.”

With the upcoming divorce, Courtney has been under a lot of stress, and she’s on anti-anxiety medication. “I told my doctor that as soon as my divorce is over, I want to be off of it within three months.”

Have your parents’ relationships affected your relationship? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrappgmail.com.

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