Column: Are you a helicopter parent, hovering over your children?

Contributed photo “Mom gets real” is a weekly column by Marie Rossiter. She is married and the mom of two girls — a teen and a tween, and they live in Liberty Twp.

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By Marie Rossiter, Guest columnist Updated 10:52 AM Monday, October 24, 2011

It’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot since August when my girls — ages 9 and 13 — started back to school.

I admit it must be difficult for my kids; I’m a former teacher who takes great interest in my kids’ education. When the girls show me their homework, it’s hard to resist the urge to correct it instead of merely checking to see if it’s finished.

Does this make me a helicopter parent?

The term helicopter parent reportedly debuted when a teenager complained about a mother’s tendency to ‘hover over me like a helicopter’ in the 1990 book “Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility.” In other words: moms and dads who seem to be anywhere and everywhere, at least according to parenting experts (whoever they are) and, of course, the parents’ children. It’s not a flattering image for parents.

Every few days, I’m on the district website checking the girls’ grades and progress. When I see a missing assignment or poor grade, I ask them about it. I see the eye rolls and occasionally the 13-year-old will politely ask (or simply demand, it depends on her mood) why I always check their grades. I suppose it’s a fair question.

I don’t want to be the mom that can’t cut the umbilical cord. I raise my girls to be independent thinkers who aren’t afraid to share their opinions — although they are now at an age where I sometimes wish I hadn’t taught them so well. They aren’t babies anymore and I know I need to let them venture out a little farther in the world.

Yet, there I am, defending myself to my oldest child about why I find it necessary to “check up on her” so much: be it the grades, or having password access to her Facebook.com account, email and cell phone. Before any of those privileges were given, the girls knew the rules and what I would be doing. Nothing sneaky about it.

My defense — not that I need one, but I find the “because I said so” explanation a little thin most days — is that it is my job to check up on her and her sister. What kind of parent would I be if I just let them go without so much as a second glance or worry? So many parents don’t connect with their kids because they are afraid. Afraid of what, I’m not sure: invading privacy, having their kids be mad at them, not being cool. Pick a reason, there are many.

I’m not looking in their diaries or tapping their phone calls; I am being an involved mother.

It’s not that I don’t want them to fail. That’s not a realistic expectation. Failure is a powerful learning opportunity.

When they do fail, whether it’s not turning in their homework or something more serious, if there is no one to help to make sure they are learning the appropriate lesson, then I’m simply letting them fall on their face. My role is to pick them up, make sure they understand why they stumbled, help dust them off and send them on their way.

If that makes me a helicopter parent, then send me my pilot’s license. I’ll hang it proudly in my office.

“Mom gets real” is a weekly column by Marie Rossiter. She is married and the mom of two girls — a teen and a tween, and they live in Liberty Twp. Rossiter publishes online family websites, Macaroni Kid West Chester-Mason and Macaroni Kid Cinci-Metro. Connect with Marie via marierossiter@gmail.com.

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