No, we are not as dumb as you are

By Doug Page | Tuesday, March 2, 2010, 02:22 PM

We do not often read about master criminals in police reports. Master criminals don’t often get caught.

Instead, we are treated to people who believe they are the rocket scientists of the criminal world.

Case in point is the woman stopped for speeding by Englewood police in the dark hours of a Wednesday morning. She told the officer she did not have her drivers license with her, but offered the first five digits of her Social Security number, claiming she could not remember her last four digits — something about getting those numbers confused with her daughter’s Social Security number. She gave a name and birth date.

Asked where she was coming from, she named a nearby grocery store and pointed to the back seat filled with grocery bags — and two open cans of beer. (Brilliant!) Asked if she had been drinking, the woman said absolutely not. (Perhaps she was letting the beer breathe on the drive home so she could decant and quaff the rare vintage on arrival).

The officer returned to his cruiser and checked his computer using the information given by the woman. (Note to master criminals: police cars now come equipped with computers. Thought you might be interested.) The officer could find no exact match. So he pulled up the drivers license photo for the name the woman had given him. (Yes, master criminal, computers can be used to view pictures). Not the same woman.

The officer returned to the woman’s vehicle and asked about a black purse nestled amongst the grocery bags in the back seat. Was that her’s? No, she responded, it belongs to the vehicle owner’s girlfriend and, no, she did not know the girlfriend’s name. (Right).

Long story short, officer asks for the purse, and discovers an ID for one person and a checkbook for another. The woman driver says she has no idea who those people are. The officer puts her in the back seat of his cruiser and goes to work on the computer and contacts dispatch. Within minutes, the ID is traced to a woman who was assaulted and robbed of her purse several days earlier.

Tracing the credit cards from the stolen purse, the officer discovers they’ve been used at several big box retailers. A search of the vehicle finds another check book in another name and several receipts from department stores. Checking the receipts against the check books, the officer concludes the items purchased were paid for by checks from both check books.

The woman driver maintains it’s not her purse though she is unable to explain why the business card of her probation officer is found in the purse.

Finally the woman admits she’s been lying all along. (I’m shocked, shocked I say). A quick records search shows the woman has no drivers license but quite a record for forgery and drug offenses.

She was taken to the county lockup on suspicion of forgery, receiving stolen property and obstructing official business.

I suppose if you’re staring at a return trip to the state pen, you’ll try any lie no matter how obvious. But these would make a politician blush.

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