A perfect storm swamps a doofus

By Doug Page | Wednesday, March 17, 2010, 02:38 PM

Englewood cops called it a perfect storm.

And it hit a perfect doofus.

It started on a dark and snowy night earlier this month when some thief in the night, aka Doofus, made off with two dirt bikes strapped to a trailer in the driveway of a local residence. The homeowner explained the bikes belong to her brother, who had dropped them off on his move from Southern California to New Hampshire.

The lock had been cut to lower the trailer’s ramp, and the tie-down straps on each bike sliced clean. There were few, if any, clues. A BOLO — that’s cop-speak for “be on the look out” — for the bikes was sent to area law enforcement. It appeared at first blush that Doofus might get away with it.

Except the bikes’ owner — he was in New Hampshire — was, as he put it, one angry biker. Hearing that a doofus had absconded with his bikes, the owner went on-line to a popular Web site, long known for selling items of questionable ownership.

The owner found a seller in the Dayton area willing to part with two bikes for a ridiculously low price. He texted the seller, aka Doofus, expressing an interest in buying the bikes. Could the seller, perhaps, send him a picture?

Doofus immediately sent back from his cell phone two pictures, including one that had a green emissions sticker required by the state of California prominently displayed on the front fork of one bike.

The owner then e-mailed Englewood cops. Detective Dave Collins jumped on the case like a hungry dog on a meaty soup bone. He immediately got a court order for the telephone company and the Web site to obtain information about Doofus.

From the photos, Collins figured out the bikes were in an attached garage with a sign hanging on the wall that read: “Complaint Department” with the picture of a hand grenade with the numbered tag hanging from the pin.

Within 48 hours. Collins had the Doofus’ name and address. With all that information, Collins was able to get a judge to approve a search warrant for Doofus’ residence.

When officers arrived, they found both bikes in the garage, the cut tie-down straps still attached to the handle bars, plus a pair of bolt cutters and the lock cut from the trailer.

Doofus first said he bought the bikes from a guy down the street, then claimed he got them from a fellow in Trotwood. Finally, near tears, Doofus admitted he took the bikes. He was given a ride to the county lockup. Prosecutors charged Doofus with felony grand theft auto.

As for the bikes’ owner, he has only one regret. “I wish I could have been there,” he said by telephone from New Hampshire. “I hope he learned his lesson.”

“It was the perfect storm,” Sgt. Mike Lang said. “We had an empowered victim and a dedicated detective.”

And it didn’t hurt that Doofus is 18, and the bike owner is a software engineer who’s been around the block more than once.

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Setting a new standard for stupefied

By Doug Page | Wednesday, March 10, 2010, 04:13 PM

If he was trying to be inconspicuous, the driver of the Ford pickup was a failure.

It was 3 o’clock on a Friday morning when the Englewood officer spotted the pickup northbound on Main Street. What attracted the officer’s attention was the truck was driving on its right front rim. The tire was flat and shredded.

The officer quickly stopped the pickup, noting the driver pulled over the curb. When he approached the pickup, the 21-year-old driver appeared “stupefied”, and there was a strong odor of alcohol wafting from the truck cab.

“What’s going on?” the officer asked.

“My truck started shaking,” the driver responded.

Asked if he had an idea why his truck was shaking, the driver replied, “Vibrations.”

Taking into account the driver’s appearance, slurred and thick speech, uncoordinated movements and brilliant response, the officer concluded the driver “was one of the most obviously intoxicated drivers I had witnessed in 18 years as a police officer.”

When asked if he had been imbibing, the driver giggled and allowed he’d had five or six beers.

At the conclusion of the field sobriety tests, the officer said, “You’re way too drunk to be driving.” To which the driver responded with a laugh, “We both know that, don’t we?”

The driver was cited for drunken driving and taken to the county lockup.

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No, we are not as dumb as you are

By Doug Page | Tuesday, March 2, 2010, 02:22 PM

We do not often read about master criminals in police reports. Master criminals don’t often get caught.

Instead, we are treated to people who believe they are the rocket scientists of the criminal world.

Case in point is the woman stopped for speeding by Englewood police in the dark hours of a Wednesday morning. She told the officer she did not have her drivers license with her, but offered the first five digits of her Social Security number, claiming she could not remember her last four digits — something about getting those numbers confused with her daughter’s Social Security number. She gave a name and birth date.

Asked where she was coming from, she named a nearby grocery store and pointed to the back seat filled with grocery bags — and two open cans of beer. (Brilliant!) Asked if she had been drinking, the woman said absolutely not. (Perhaps she was letting the beer breathe on the drive home so she could decant and quaff the rare vintage on arrival).

The officer returned to his cruiser and checked his computer using the information given by the woman. (Note to master criminals: police cars now come equipped with computers. Thought you might be interested.) The officer could find no exact match. So he pulled up the drivers license photo for the name the woman had given him. (Yes, master criminal, computers can be used to view pictures). Not the same woman.

The officer returned to the woman’s vehicle and asked about a black purse nestled amongst the grocery bags in the back seat. Was that her’s? No, she responded, it belongs to the vehicle owner’s girlfriend and, no, she did not know the girlfriend’s name. (Right).

Long story short, officer asks for the purse, and discovers an ID for one person and a checkbook for another. The woman driver says she has no idea who those people are. The officer puts her in the back seat of his cruiser and goes to work on the computer and contacts dispatch. Within minutes, the ID is traced to a woman who was assaulted and robbed of her purse several days earlier.

Tracing the credit cards from the stolen purse, the officer discovers they’ve been used at several big box retailers. A search of the vehicle finds another check book in another name and several receipts from department stores. Checking the receipts against the check books, the officer concludes the items purchased were paid for by checks from both check books.

The woman driver maintains it’s not her purse though she is unable to explain why the business card of her probation officer is found in the purse.

Finally the woman admits she’s been lying all along. (I’m shocked, shocked I say). A quick records search shows the woman has no drivers license but quite a record for forgery and drug offenses.

She was taken to the county lockup on suspicion of forgery, receiving stolen property and obstructing official business.

I suppose if you’re staring at a return trip to the state pen, you’ll try any lie no matter how obvious. But these would make a politician blush.

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